A Whole Lotta Love

Dear Mexican:

At a weekly Doors-tribute-band gig, I notice the majority of the crowd is Mexican. I swear, sometimes it seems like the crowd missed the exit to the Lupillo Rivera show or a Maná concert. Never realized Jim Morrison was the equal of Morrissey and Charles Bronson among other Mexican güero icons.

Güero Riding on the Storm

Dear Gabacho:

Let your letter be the last time any gabacho expresses amazement that Mexicans can enjoy music that doesn’t feature a tuba, an accordion or funny hats. Yes, America: Many Mexicans love the Doors. Other rock acts that enjoy substantial Mexican followings include Morrissey, the Cure, Depeche Mode, Elvis, Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Beck, the Beatles … see where this list is going? Nowhere, man. Good music, like a good Mexican, doesn’t recognize borders. A more inexplicable musical mystery is why gabachos usually recoil at the sound of Mexican tunes — and I’m not even talking about the bandas sinaloenses, conjuntos norteños and mariachis who remind them too much of Lawrence Welk. Seriously, gabachos: Where is the love? We sell out arenas in Mexico for many American bands — why can’t ustedes bother to iTune some Café Tacuba or El Gran Silencio? The Mexican theorizes that laziness is behind this soft bigotry, but I’m more than open to other theories.

Dear Mexican:

While I listened to a politician commiserate with a reporter about the impending crisis in day care, house care and lawn care, I became very concerned. How could I support future victims of the upcoming devastation? I had heard about the problem before, but my personal experience in this area is limited. Everyone I know uses family, friends or licensed day-care facilities. My elderly neighbor pays a neighborhood kid to mow her lawn. My mom used to clean houses, but since she is not legally challenged, it doesn’t count. But when I looked into the eyes of the forlorn politician and saw the strain lines on the reporter’s face, I understood. Who will run the country if the politicians call in sick due to lack of child care? Who will tell me the latest about Britney if all the reporters collapse in exhaustion from the strain of caring for their own homes and lawns after work? As a representative for your kind, please let me know how the community can begin to prepare for this crisis. As a member of the media, what will you need from the community to help you survive should your nanny, housekeeper and gardener be deported?

A Very Concerned Gringa in Oregon

Dear Gabacha:

Better reader sarcasm.

Dear Mexican:

After watching the Dallas Cowboys lose to the New York Giants, I wonder: Is wetback quarterback Tony Romo’s off-week, south-of-the-border fiesta to blame for him being downed more times than a bottle of tequila? Or are gabachos just mad that he’s dating an All-American Daisy Duke gabacha like Jessica Simpson? Michael Irvin’s cocaine stripper parties never stopped “America’s Team” from Super Bowl stardom.

Raiders Nation

Dear Wab:

Excuse me as I write this to Tony:

Dear Antonio Ramiro Romo: Pinche puto pendejo baboso. You perpetuated some of the worst Mexican male stereotypes with your Cabo San Lucas sojourn — siesta taker, gabacha fetishist, capable of vacationing only in Mexico. Yet you could’ve shut up the haters with one simple fourth-quarter comeback against the lowly Giants. Instead, interception. Thanks for pulling the biggest Mexican choking act since Over Her Dead Body.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at mexican@pitch.com. Letters will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

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