A Star Is Born
In the wake of Jamie Foxx’s Billboard-chart-topping Unpredictable, plus a visit from country singer and Sex and the City hunk John Corbett (last Wednesday at the Grand Emporium), it’s easy to forget where the actor-turned-singer phenomenon truly began: Jack freakin’ Wagner! Here, we pit him against the poseurs.
Jack Wagner
Choice acting gig: Melrose Place
(Dr. Peter Burns)
Music: Solo artist, four albums
eBay value: Lighting Up The Night (import CD), $110
Wagnerism: Originally tied to his General Hospital band, Riff Raff, Wagner broke free with that consummate ’80s hit single, “All I Need.”
Robert Downey Jr.
Choice acting gig: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (Harry Lockhart)
Music: Solo artist, one album
eBay value: The Futurist (CD), $5
Wagnerism: Between his liberal replacement of s’s with z’s (“Little Clownz”) and his Phil Collins-ish emoting, we gotta wonder if dude’s been speedballin’ again.
Jared Leto
Choice acting gig: My So-Called Life
(Jordan Catalano)
Music: Vocals and guitar, 30 Seconds to Mars, two albums
eBay value: A Beautiful Lie (CD), $11.26
Wagnerism: Maybe if Jordan Catalano had fronted this cookie-cutter distortion band at Liberty High, Angela would have fallen for Brian Krakow instead.
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Choice acting gig: Party of Five
(Sarah Reeves)
Music: Solo artist, four albums
eBay value: Barenaked (CD), $5.72
Wagnerism: Why bother ripping on her nasal voice when there are lyrics like this: There were lasers and computers and living in space/The ’90s kids’ dream is for the whole human race/My dream for the ’90s/We’ll make it come true/This world will be a better place/For me and you.
Billy Bob Thornton
Choice acting gig: Bad Santa (Willie)
Music: Solo artist, three albums
eBay value: Hobo (CD), $7.54
Wagnerism: Sounds just like Tom Waits — although we’re not sure that’s a compliment when you’re not Tom Waits.
John Corbett
Choice acting gig: Sex and the City
(Aidan Shaw)
Music: Solo country artist, two albums
eBay value: “Ain’t No Trouble To Me” (MP3), $0.99
Wagnerism: For the first time ever, we’re OK with Carrie dumping this Toby Keith disciple.
Marla Sokoloff
Choice acting gig: Full House (Gia Mahan)
Music: Solo artist, MySpace
(www.myspace.com/marlasokoloff)
eBay value: N/A
Wagnerism: We’ve believed in this girl’s musical talents since she and Stephanie formed the band Girl Talk and played Ace of Base at the talent show.
William Shatner
Choice acting gig: Star Trek (Captain Kirk)
Music: Solo artist, two albums
eBay value: Has Been (CD) for $12.34
Wagnerism: None! Shatner is the shit-ner!
Juliette Lewis
Choice acting gig: Natural Born Killers
(Mallory Knox)
Music: Singer, Juliette & the Licks, two albums
eBay value: You’re Speaking My Language (CD), $3.54
Wagnerism: She tries so desperately to be hardcore like Joan Jett or Karen O. But it’s, like, hey, remember when she guest-starred on The Wonder Years?
Eddie Murphy
Choice acting gig: Coming to America
(Prince Akeem)
Music: Solo artist, three albums
eBay value: How Could It Be (CD), $36.01
Wagnerism: My. Girl. Wants. To. Party all the time! Party all the ti-i-ime!
Minnie Driver
Choice acting gig: Good Will Hunting (Skylar)
Music: Solo artist, one album
eBay value: Everything I’ve Got in My Pocket (CD), $11
Wagnerism: Once, our brother thought he was going to see a band called Minnie Driver, but then it was actually Minnie Driver. He was refused a refund.
Patrick Swayze
Choice acting gig: Dirty Dancing (Johnny Castle)
Music: Solo artist, three songs
eBay value: “She’s Like the Wind” (7-inch) for $1.76
Wagnerism: With a single like this, no wonder his murderer in Ghost took him for a cream puff.
