A New Score

You’re driving west on Interstate 70, and you’re about to reach those blinking yellow lights that tell you you’re going too fast. Slow down or you’ll miss, to your left, the place where they used to play serious baseball in Kansas City.

That stadium, if you didn’t know, is now used three or four times a year for the western home games of the St. Louis Cardinals. Just recently, we taxpayers agreed to spend $250 million to make the Cardinals feel more at home. The eight-figure face-lift includes a scoreboard — and we’re not joking here — that will measure 106 feet by 86 feet. The new scoreboard would allow the Royals to list every score from every baseball game ever played.

To which we say: not so fast. Instead of a scoreboard, we’ve come up with a few alternatives for that space.

Remember the ’85 World Series team singing, There she goes, just walkin’ down the street in unison? No, we don’t, either. But apparently they did, and because the only thing left for the Royals is “True. Blue. Tradition,” why not an animatronic robot that constantly sings “Do Wah Diddy”? Really, it’s better than the score.

They evicted Danny Edwards’ barbecue joint from downtown, but his concrete pig can be immortalized at the K. Nearby, the fountains run red with sauce.

The Royals aren’t alone in wishing for better days. Here, a likeness of the Watson’s “girl” — back when she hadn’t become the Watson’s “mature lady” — slides into a hot tub after every home run. One lucky fan wins a pool table if a ball hits her two-piece.