A Football Card Eagerly Awaited by Teenage Boys

By CHRIS RASMUSSEN

Sure, mainstream journalists might remark amongst themselves about whether new Chiefs fullback Mike Cox has the size to compete in the NFL, whether Mike Cox will be a member of the squad, whether Mike Cox requires performance-enhancing drugs, whether it would be painful to cut Mike Cox, or whether Mike Cox can finally fill the void left by Tony Richardson’s departure. Those jokes may never appear in print, in part because they do not want to explain to their parents that juvenile witticisms about the male anatomy are a product of an expensive journalism degree.

Not me, though. This blogger has no shame.

Our crack staff of Pitch researchers scoured the microfiche archives (ok, I looked up potentially dirty names in the Baseball Encyclopedia, as a tittering 11-year-old would look for dirty words in the school library’s dictionary) to find other unfortunate names in Kansas City sports history. Enjoy.

1. Pete LaCock, former Royals first baseman. LaCock, who’s name resembles the title of an imported skin flick, was the starting first baseman for the Royals in the late ’70s. Eventually, Willie Aikens replaced LaCock after the Royals determined that LaCock’s was too impotent at the plate.

2. Rusty Kuntz, first base coach for the Royals: Kuntz appeared on the 1984 World Champion Detroit Tigers squad, a highlight of his seven-year career. As Wikipedia points out, his name is pronounced with an “oo” sound and not the same as the obscene name for the female anatomy. Proving once again that Wikipedia is edited by killjoys.

3. Dick Curl, current quarterback coach for the Chiefs: Curl is a longtime coaching confidant of Herm Edwards, while Peyronie’s disease is a serious condition that can make intercourse either painful or impossible. Neither is to be mocked. Ever.

4. Woody Held, former outfielder for the 1957 and 1958 KC A’s and not a reference to one’s first experience at summer camp.