A Festivus for the Rest of Us

By Justin Kendall

The season for the airing of grievances is upon us. Saturday night, Julianne Donovan will throw her fifth and most public Festivus party yet.

This year’s observance of the anti-holiday popularized by this episode of Seinfeld 10 years ago will take place at 8 p.m. at the Urban Living Center, 1705 Baltimore. A suggested donation of $5 gets you food and drink from Scrape the Plate catering and a chance to thumb-wrestle your way to a trophy. Proceeds from the event will go to AIDS research.

“If you come in and don’t give $5, then you’re a butthole and a grievance should be written about you,” Donovan says.

In preparation for Saturday, Donovan and friends have been designing thumb-wrestling costumes. “We have a lot of weird-looking thumb wrestling costumes that I’m very excited about,” Donovan says. Watch out for “the gimp with ball gag,” the creepy Grandma and the Hare Krishna. Donovan admits that the Krishna is “politically incorrect,” but he got his name “because he’s anatomically correct.”

“He has more than a flower to give you,” Donovan says.

This year, the winners of the feats-of-strength contest will take home “massive trophies,” Donovan says. The losers — just as in modern-day youth sports — will get “participant” ribbons. This year’s competitions include:

• Thumb wrestling

• Strongman, Yeah Right: a test of strength to see who can hold an 8-pound weight in his or her outstretched arm the longest

• Hipster Hula Hoop: a battle to see who can Hula-Hoop the longest while drinking, smoking or whatever hipsters do

• Chicken Limbo: a duel of contortionists to see how low you can go

• Pain H2O: an endurance test to determine who can hold his or her breath with a head in a bucket of ice water the longest

The night will culminate with the airing of grievances. “A lot of times, guests get a little pushy about it,” Donovan says. “They want to see what other people are saying.”

Until Saturday night, check out this admittedly “obnoxious” and horribly acted YouTube video inspired by The Neverending Story.