Keep Them Coming: Mapping your path to pleasure with erogenous zones

Kristen Thomas. // Photo by Nicole Bissey

As a sexologist, when I’m working with new clients, I often clarify that when I say “sex,” I’m referring to an umbrella term under which there are many acts, and when I mean penetration, I specifically state “penetration” or “digital insertion” or “PIV.” Many clients already use this framework, however, some see sex as not much more than “the old in and out.”

Decentering intercourse isn’t about depriving ourselves of a primary source of pleasure, rather, it’s about adding sensuality and extending the depths of pleasure we experience. Doing the same two or three acts when you have sexy time gets booooorrrriiing—whether you’re partnered or enjoying your brat summer getting around town.

One of the best ways to keep sex fresh and exciting is to explore erogenous zones. You’re covered in sensitive areas that can turn you on when stimulated from your head to your toes. “Erogenous zones can be any part of the body that, when touched, is framed in the receiver’s mind as intimate or sexual,” Certified Sex Coach Amanda Vee says.

Of course, our genitals and nipples are the first zones people consider, but we have these beautiful bodies covered in our biggest organ—our skin! Sex Therapist Dr. Christina McDowell says, “Anywhere we have creases—wrists, elbows, back of knees, between fingers or toes” are areas people dismiss or overlook as erogenous zones.

“The scalp has many nerve endings, making it quite sensitive. Scalps can be stimulated by massaging, combing, tugging, and scratching,” Planned Parenthood Great Plains Manager of Education & Community Relations Rachel Stoutamire says. She also said people forget about a very specific spot between our legs. “The perineum is the soft tissue and skin between the genitals and anus,” Stoutamire explains. “This zone is surrounded by nerve endings that can be stimulated through massage to achieve arousal or orgasm.” Even a soft pinch between two finders or gentle tugging of this area on vulva owners can be pleasurable.

Exploration of erogenous zones can be both educational and sensual, and it doesn’t have to be a mechanical conversation about consent and your body. Rather, it can be a super sensual experience, whether you’re single or partnered. A good place to start, however, is with safety. “Talking through your boundaries and creating a safe word or phrase makes sure everyone is on the same page, knows what to expect, and is ready to have a good time,” Stoutamire says.

Pleasure mapping is a process in which discovery is done by doing and communication should be instant. In a coupled scenario, Vee suggests that “the receiver gets comfortable, lets their eyes close, while the giver slowly touches their body. While experiencing the sensations, the receiver is encouraged to relax, and rather than reflecting with judgment on their own responses, gently focus on pleasant sexy memories or fantasies of intimate moments. Couples can map what areas feel good if they take their time. Rushing is the last thing you want to do here.”

McDowell, who calls it an erotic ecology exercise, recommends “start on the periphery—fingers and toes—then work up the body slowly. It’s important to give feedback—”more, less, harder, softer”—as the receiver. This gives you a chance to discover and experiment with different sensations like temperature, texture, pressure, or even pain.”

It is also important to note that you should be creative. “Scratching, pinching, nibbling, flicking, and smacking might feel surprisingly good,” Vee says. “Keep an open mind, and consider “rougher” touches if both people are willing.”

Also try using your hot breath, tongue, nails, hair, or even feathers on their body. Wear a leather or latex glove on one hand. Add implements such as a Wartenberg pinwheel, steel finger picks, or a hand-held roller massager.

Even if you are partnered, the best way to begin exploring your erogenous zones, as with anything that is new, is to first play unaccompanied. “Spend some time with yourself to explore your body without any distractions and allow yourself to touch different areas while being aware of how they make you feel,” Stoutamire says.

“Explore your body as if you’ve never seen anything like it before. Asking questions like ‘What happens when I do this?’ and ‘I wonder what that would feel like?’ can open enticing and delicious experiences,” Vee says.

McDowell says that she might recommend clients try lying down nude or standing in front of a mirror and exploring with newness and curiosity. “If you need privacy, maybe your exploration is in the shower instead,” McDowell says.

Vee recommends talking about this exercise in advance, rather than while committing the act. “A conversation starter might sound like, ‘Hey, tonight I’d like to try something new. It’s been a while since we’ve explored each other’s bodies and I’m curious if there are ways we could be turned on that we haven’t explored. Would you like to see if there’s a part of your/my body that gets you/me going?’”

Pleasure mapping together, and discussing how the sensations feel in the moment, can help us understand the present state of our bodies and how it’s receiving pleasure. We can absolutely discover that a touch we once disliked can feel very different now.

“The brain is plastic—it can be changed—and sensations can be reframed,” Vee says. For instance, touching a wrist sensually can reframe how we feel about the sensation of being touched there, even if we once had bad memories arise if a partner got near that spot.

Be honest with yourself and your partner—do not force yourself to like being touched in a place or manner that you do not enjoy, or brings you discomfort. On a scale of one through ten, if the technique is a one or a two, honor that it does not bring you pleasure. If a certain method is a four, but a change in pressure could make it an eight, ask for what you need.

Breathe, relax, and allow your brain to shut off by focusing on the sensations you’re experiencing. “The brain is actually considered to be the most important sexual organ,” Stoutamire says. “By knowingly directing attention to sensations in your erogenous zones, one can amplify the pleasure signals sent to the brain.”

If your mind starts to wander away from the moment, take a deep breath and refocus on another sensation. It’s okay if you have to practice staying present.

For those looking to normalize the practice, you can make exploring your bodies with touch part of your routine. This is not just for newbies and people who are feeling disconnected from pleasure, but all looking for new ways to expand their sexual horizons.

“Partners can integrate the exploration of erogenous zones into their sexual routine by doing regular check-ins, talking about your desires and fantasies, and even by scheduling exploration time to create the time and space to discover new pleasures and interests,” Stoutamire recommends.

“To keep their sex life juicy, couples should avoid assuming that once they have found something that feels good, that it will be fulfilling forever,” Vee says. “Our bodies change until we die. What once felt too soft or too hard might feel really good one day. You won’t know unless you try! Continue to communicate any curiosities that come up and don’t internalize your partner’s desire to try new things as an insecurity.”

You may even be surprised to find that orgasms can be induced by touching erogenous zones. Challenge yourself to learn more about how your body likes to receive pleasure and become a talented reader of your partner’s pleasure. Familiarizing yourself with erogenous zones will lead you on a sensual journey that can unlock new heights of pleasure. Now go explore!

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Instagram or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.