Keep Them Coming: Love and loads: Why not doing your fair share is killing your sex life

Kristen Thomas // Photo by Nicole Bissey

Three years ago, Abby Eckel saw that her content about mental load left viewers craving to know what her secret was. “While I would talk about these things, women would be like, ‘How do I get my husband to be like your husband,’” Eckel says. The marriage and motherhood influencer said she didn’t have answers for them besides saying her husband was a good man who shared equitably in mental load, respected her and their kids, and worshiped each other deeply.

Mental load, or invisible labor, is not just who does the daily minutiae—It’s also the coordination and planning behind the scenes, along with the anticipation of needs and a lot of mental list-keeping. “I think the simplest way to put this is it’s usually the thing that is keeping you up at night,” said Zach Watson on the Keep Them Coming Podcast. Watson’s online persona is “The Recovering Manchild.”

A 2017 Canadian study showed that there remains a perpetual imbalance in the home in Western cultures, especially in hetero relationships. The study shows that regardless of wives’ income, age, or work status, women do more domestic chores, mental labor, and kinkeeping than their husbands. A 2023 study showed that LGBTQ+ folks do not struggle with domestic inequity the same way heterosexual couples do—they are more likely to be relationship egalitarians.

“We shouldn’t expect anything more from them,” Eckel says about messages from society, which simultaneously label men nearly incompetent regarding all things domestic, but lauds them as intelligent leaders and providers.

It’s notable that commenters on her socials consistently give husbands a pass, as though they are bumbling idiots who can’t be expected to know how to do things like their wife does, and further suggesting that wives simply lower their expectations of these poor fools and keep doing the labor without complaint. This is toxic and detrimental to everyone involved. It’s overburdening to her and infantilizing to him.

Friction regarding mental load runs deeper than who is doing more or even how gender roles are playing out. It’s often about a mismatch in values.

“One party is typically thinking just about the execution piece, which is physically doing the task, versus the conception and planning phase,” therapist Katie Kirkenmeier says. “That causes a ton of tension because they are not valuing invisible labor as being labor.”

How do mental load imbalances manifest in relationships? Kinkeeping, family events, coordinating schedules for the kids, holidays, menu planning, cleaning, and more—things that sustain your family day-to-day and make core memories. “The ‘holiday magic’ that happens? We remember and think of the end result, such as opening presents,” Kirkenmeier says.

But who planned and delegated who’s bringing what dish for the big meal? Who decorated? Who made sure everyone was invited and had a present wrapped? That person often does not get credit for this massive undertaking. Whether their partner doesn’t get how much effort and planning it takes, or they expect that their partner is just “in charge” of such labor, either way, it’s problematic.

Aubree Jones’ viral TikTok of her husband handing her an empty stocking broke viewers’ hearts this last holiday season. “It took him 10 years to notice it’s been empty this whole time,” her caption reads. Her husband’s and children’s stockings were full. He hadn’t even bothered to think about her holiday magic for a decade.

The comments were filled with moms who had experienced this same letdown from their partner before. Even more tragic were the adult children who realized how truly inconsiderate their father was as they saw the hurt their mothers lived through now in Jones’ eyes when she said, “I guess Santa forgot me.”

When couples, or triads/families for that matter, are not working together to equitably handle the responsibilities of life and its biggest events together, chances are, grievances will tally up.

“Most couples enter into relationships and take on roles unconsciously without discussions or agreements of who is doing what,” therapist Jessica Nickels says. “Then, when our unspoken expectations are not met, we end up attacking each other or ourselves.”

So, how can an imbalance in mental load damage the intimacy between you?

“Our expectations are not being met. The gap between expectation and reality is resentment. Resentment is a libido repellent, so we have some silently boiling folks who would rather say, ‘fuck off’ to their partner than ‘come fuck me,’” Nickels says.

“Sex is emotionally vulnerable and when women don’t feel connected and they don’t feel valued, they don’t want to have sex,” Kirkenmeier says. “One person does not do all of the work in a business, one person does not know all the to-do’s, and the project manager is not the one who is doing the tasks. But that’s sort of the system that we typically have set up in our households, and that just doesn’t work. It doesn’t function.”

Relationship equity is subjective, but couples who have the juice do exist. “One day I was sharing about the way my husband and I break down tasks around our house and child care, and women were floored. They were flabbergasted,” Eckel says.

She said she didn’t realize how many women don’t have a partner like hers. She credits her husband’s ability to have a conversation, the mutual respect they have, and that they work well together tackling tasks. One of them buys a birthday gift, the other wraps it.

Watson shared how connected he feels with his wife, even with a toddler at home. He attributes their closeness, both in and out of the bedroom, to the fact that he’s open to learning and growing, while also continuing to woo his wife.

“I don’t think there’s ever going to be a shortage of mental load that I am not seeing her taking on,” he says. But he has learned to take the reins more often, rather than make her co-create or approve domestic tasks.

“I think we’ve gotten increasingly better at having hard conversations,” says Watson. No wonder they aren’t struggling with intimate connection—communication is lubrication, after all.

If you want to work on your relationship equity, conversations should include deciding what tasks are necessary, where priorities and values lie, and agreeing to work together to move forward. Maybe some things need to be offloaded or deprioritized.

“Open and direct communication, having emotional capacity, maturity, and genuine love and care for one another are foundational to making a shift in the relationship,” Nickels says.

Nickels also believes that to move forward, whoever has been doing more has to take accountability. She raises the question to clients, “Are you willing to see your part in this imbalance?”

An action item that therapists recommend is regularly scheduled logistics conversations. “I highly encourage regular check-ins. These are deliberate, scheduled meetings with agendas,” Nickels says. Watson said he and his wife jokingly call them “Boring Meetings.”

Eckel, Watson, and Kirkenmeier are all certified Fair Play Facilitators. Books such as Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, Emotional Labor by Rose Hackman, and The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild and Anne Machung are all valuable tools for therapists, coaches, and couples/throuples/families experiencing invisible labor disparities.

Eckel was very direct: “Your first hurdle is having a man, having a husband that is open to it, because if you don’t have that, it’s a moot point.”

If nothing else convinces you, let it be this bit of science—women who do not view their partners as dependents want to get freaky more often. Harris et al found, unsurprisingly to some of us, that if she perceives him as an equal partner who splits the labor fairly, the two of you will keep having sexy sweaty summer nights for years to come.

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Instagram or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.