Keep Them Coming: Hot and bothered harmonies

Keep Them Coming with Kristen Thomas. // Photo by Nicole Bissey

Music has been part of humanity’s culture for at least 40,000 years. Music, dancing, and singing are a part of us on a primal level. For millennia, people have used the universal language of music to express emotions and enhance intimacy with their lovers, with musicians often playing their instruments to impress and attract their partners long before Kens or rock stars existed. This deep connection between music and sexual energy offers a fascinating exploration into how melodies and rhythms can set the mood, impact our psychological state, and even improve sexual health or education.

Using music as a gateway for accessing pleasure is ancient. The oldest song about sex was written in Mesopotamia around 2300 BCE by Enheduanna—a woman who was the world’s first historically recognized author. The “Hymn to Inanna”—the Goddess of war, love, and fertility—includes explicit references as part of its religious and ritualistic devotion to Inanna. It’s less smutty and more battle cry, because she’s singing about fertility and banging after verses about slaying her enemies.

Learning about sex from music is and has been common. Robert Plant taught us about anal in “Whole Lotta Love.” Musician and 90.9 The Bridge personality Michelle Bacon says, “I remember seeing the video for “Red Light Special” by TLC when I was probably 10 or 11 and didn’t totally understand what I was feeling at the time.”

Music can create a visceral reaction in our bodies. “The word frisson comes to mind,” for Dr. Norelyn Parker when she thinks about the tie between sex and music. “It’s a French term for ‘aesthetic chills’ or ‘shivers’ that are experienced as waves of pleasure across the skin and up the spine. Some researchers even refer to it as a ‘skin orgasm,’” she says.

Sex and couples therapist Mieke Doornick says, “The connection between sex and music is fascinating. Both are linked to the release of dopamine—a neurotransmitter associated with the brain’s reward system. Listening to music can evoke a pleasurable experience similar to that of sexual activity, and the idea of combining the two is quite intriguing. Double the dopamine whammy!”

One of the top causes attributed to a low/lowered libido is stress, according to the Cleveland Clinic. Work, family, and time pressures can mount up, causing some folks to deprioritize pleasure. It’s hard to feel in the mood when you’re stressed the fuck out in this economy and feeling the aches and pains of life or a disability.

Dr. Emily Nagoski’s research gave us the “dual control model”, showing that many of us need the right context to be ready for sexy time. We need both the brakes released and the gas pedal pushed to be ready for intimacy. While music or dancing won’t solve all of life’s issues, both can help relieve stress, giving us more space to allow desire and pleasure to thrive. Go for a walk, workout, clean, or drive home to your favorite genre or playlist that puts your mind at ease and revs your engine so you can be more present for a pleasure session.

Music can help people get out of their heads, especially if they have anxiety over sex noises—your breathing, licking sounds, or a squeaky bed frame. It can also serve as white noise if you’re concerned about your kids or neighbors hearing anything. Using a playlist to escalate the energy or slow it down can delight your lover, especially one who digs edging.

Having a beat to match can help keep pace for some sex acts. It can go to a weird place if you’re selecting songs based solely on rhythm and not taking lyrics or melody into consideration. Take, for example, the viral Reddit post by user TylerLife, where he shared with the whole world that Hudson Mohawke’s “Cbat” was the inspo beat for his coital thrust timing. I’m not gonna kink shame the guy—The worst I can say is he didn’t read the room and his girlfriend shouldn’t have waited two years to speak up! Word to the wise—collaborate.

“As a sex coach, I see fulfilling sexual experiences having less to do with technique and more to do with cultivating the trust with self and others where one can explore our edges the way a good dubstep song teaches us to enjoy the build and to fully surrender into the drop,” Parker says. It’s not the song or beat you should rely upon, but it should be about how the song makes you and your lover feel.

Collaborate with your lover on genres or specific songs to co-curate a playlist that gets your body and mind engaged. Choose songs together that make you want to move, touch, and vibe with another body—gooey songs, sultry songs, explicit songs. “I always have sex to music, it sets the mood, increases the sensory experience, and makes it feel almost cinematic,” musician and Playboy Model Cassie Taylor says.

Discuss songs you love and what yummy sensations they evoke for each of you. “One of my all-time favorite songs is D’Angelo’s ‘Untitled,’” Taylor says. “The way the song builds feels like a music climax.”

Bacon raises the question: ”Is Sade a genre?”

Music that makes you move your body and release your pelvic floor or root chakra—however you define it—can help your body both release stress or anxiety you’re holding on to and make space for something else, like sex and pleasure. Moving to music you enjoy increases blood flow, promotes good circulation (including for your genitals), and produces feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, plus the combo can be a pain reliever. Listening to music can also make your body release less cortisol (the stress hormone) and alleviate fatigue.

Do you need to get back in touch with desire in your life? Feeling more like the Sahara Desert and less like Niagara Falls? Try connecting to music in some way, such as listening to a playlist curated online, going to a music store and perusing as they spin tunes for customers, or going see a band play a live show. Dance in the kitchen to music on your phone. Move your booty. Sing along. Try to embody the sensuality you hear in the music with your voice or movements—anything to get your brain and/or body engaged.

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Instagram or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.