Rebel Moon — Part One: A Child of Fire is a failed Star Wars story, reimagined as a new and original form of failure

Rebel Moon. // Courtesy Clay Enos/Netflix

A long, long time ago (in a galaxy far away?) Zack Snyder met with Kathleen Kennedy to pitch a Star Wars spinoff that was ultimately rejected. It is because of this that we now have REBEL MOON — PART ONE: A CHILD OF FIRE streaming December 21st on Netflix. The title is just like the movie: overlong, confusing, and stupid. 

Cards on the table: I’m neutral on Snyder. I enjoyed 300, Man of Steel (Kevin Costner’s death scene will always be hilarious to me), the Snyder Cut of Justice League, and his last Netflix movie, Army of the Dead. I also ate 250 milligrams of THC before this movie, because I am an adult who knows how to properly prepare for the cinema. 

I assumed Rebel Moon movie would be easy to summarize, but somehow I ended up writing “What is this movie about?” about five times in my notes during the two hour and 13-minute runtime (Note 37 minutes in: “is this movie about farming?”). If I hadn’t been high, I might have pulled my own hair out. The best I can do is give you the official Netflix synopsis: 

“From Zack Snyder, the filmmaker behind 300, Man of Steel, and Army of the Dead, comes REBEL MOON, an epic science-fiction event decades in the making. When a peaceful settlement on the edge of a distant moon finds itself threatened by the armies of a tyrannical ruling force, Kora (Sofia Boutella), a mysterious stranger living among the villagers, becomes their best hope for survival. 

Rebel Moon. // Courtesy Clay Enos/Netflix

Tasked with finding trained fighters who will unite with her in making an impossible stand against the Mother World, Kora assembles a small band of warriors — outsiders, insurgents, peasants and orphans of war from different worlds who share a common need for redemption and revenge. As the shadow of an entire Realm bears down on the unlikeliest of moons, a battle over the fate of a galaxy is waged, and in the process, a new army of heroes is formed.”

Are you confused yet? Well don’t worry, the movie starts off with a lazy exposition dump delivered by a third-person British narrator we never hear from again (I loudly made a fart noise into my hands midway through this dump because I’m an impartial critic). 

Sofia Boutella does incredible physical work in this movie, but she is not a strong enough actor to sell dialogue that could have been written by a horny 14-year-old boy. Corey Stoll shows up with 3 beads in his beard and a Newsies cap looking like a Battlefield: Earth character and that is never explained. 

I love Charlie Hunnam because he decided to do an Irish accent. And why wouldn’t he? Nothing matters. There are actual light sabers in this movie! Why not! The bad guy is cosplaying as Cillian Murphy as Oppenheimer. Cary Elwes is wearing a He-Man wig from a children’s Halloween costume. Ray Fisher looks like he was cut out of a Christian rock opera. 

Rebel Moon. // Courtesy Clay Enos/Netflix

There’s also a talking British robot, characters that look like Joel Edgerton from Bright, a shirtless bird tamer with hella abs, Jar Jar Binks, and Jena Malone as a spider/person leading me to believe this movie might have been produced by famous fan of large spiders Jon Peters. 

Some of the visuals and green screen work look incredible. Others, especially towards the end look like they are out of Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow. There are a truly unhinged and incomprehensible amount of slow-motion shots. If you took them out, the movie would be 27 minutes long. Actors are also completely out of focus and out of frame, a lot. So much of this movie was blurry and that wasn’t just the gummies. 

Before I give my final thoughts I’d like to provide some bullet points of high thoughts I couldn’t work into the review:

• Djimon Hounsou’s character had to be told to Never Back Down
• Was Zack Snyder hugged as a child?
• Of course we’re seeing teeth fall out in slow motion.
• I should tell my mom I love her.
• Is that Han Solo?
• I’d like to lead a revolution out of this theater.
• The Adventures of Pluto Nash was actually pretty good.

Zack Snyder is a talented filmmaker with visual flair, but he doesn’t need to be his own DP and he should leave the writing to others. I haven’t had a cigarette or alcohol in over three years, but this experience had me wanting to do both again for the first time in my 30s. As a member of the Kansas City Film Critics Circle, I’m not allowed to walk out of a movie I’m reviewing, a rule that probably saved my life. The fact that there is a Part Two to this movie makes me want to cry.

Now that I think about it, maybe a cigarette might make me feel better.