Backwash

Cool or Embarrassing?

Kansas City’s new expansion hockey franchise has
selected Express, Outlaws and Twisters as the three
finalists in its “Name the Team” contest — despite
such worthy fan submissions as Ice Chiefs,
Beefeaters, Bad Motha Fuckas and Puckers. (We like
the hybrid Bad Motha Puckers.) The winning name
was to be announced after the Pitch’s press time on
Wednesday, July 28, but we can rest assured that it
will either spotlight the area’s inadequate public
transportation, emphasize its crime problems or revel
in its region-specific natural disasters.

Threads
Off the rack and on the town.

Plaza Starbucks, noon Tuesday.

The people in line at the barista’s stand are all wearing dark business attire: slacks and ties for the men, pantsuits or seamless skirts for the women.

They’re clearly trying to dress “business casual,” but the Pitch‘s fashion expert, a straight guy named Bud, says that’s a confusing term. “It should give you a little bit of loose comfort that’s still professional,” he says. “It should give you a little bit of what you want.” These people, Bud says, aren’t using enough imagination.

Balancing perfectly on stiletto heels, a woman in a red shirt with a navy-blue scarf and navy pants steps up to order an iced grande caramel machiato. Bud nods.

“Sexy-conservative,” he says. “I’m down with the scarf. Her tightly fitted pants are navy, not black.”

She tells us her name is Brittany. She’s 27, and she works at a tax-preparation company’s national headquarters near the Plaza.

“I’ve been told that I dress differently,” Brittany says. She’s a clearance-rack shopper, mostly picking up discounted Banana Republic and Gap clothes. The Tax Preparation Company gives its employees a lot of freedom to express themselves, she says.

Later, she e-mails the Pitch more details:

First, what is off-limits: Anything torn, not clean, not pressed or stained. Anything that is inappropriately revealing or tight. Beach-type sandals, sweatsuit type outfits, shorts or hats. T shirts, jeans (except on Fridays), and sneakers. Pretty normal stuff.

What is appropriate: Men: Slacks with collared shirts, sweaters. Business suit and/or tie also okay, but rare. Women: Slacks, skirts, blouses, coordinating tops, sweaters … business suits also okay. (I love to wear suits occasionally just to get some wear out of them) Open-toed shoes are acceptable here — major bonus to me! (I think they should add a requirement that you have a decent pedicure!)

But minutes after the e-mail arrives, Brittany calls the Pitch. She’s actually not allowed to disclose the specifics of the Tax Preparation Company’s fashion guidelines, she says. She suggests that the Pitch call her company’s human-resources department for a comment about what’s acceptable to wear to work. Thirty minutes later, she calls again. Please don’t use her name or her company’s name. Her boss has informed her that she’s not an expert on fashion. Like all of its other business information, the company’s fashion rules can be disseminated to the public only through the proper chain of command.

Net Prophet
Notes from KC’s blogosphere.

Hey, Shitbag. You, the greaseball holding up the soda machine at QuikTrip with the 160 oz. drink cup. The one that has to refill and refill until the soda is a fraction of a millimeter from overflowing. I hate your stupid cheap ass. I’d give ya a buck just to get the fuck out of my way.

Hey, Bitch. You, the tub-o-lard middle age mother holding up the soda machine with her three kids drinking off of one drink. The one that refills, lets the daughter drink, refills, lets the son drink, refills, drinks, refills, finish. I hate your stupid ass, too. I’d give you two bucks to get your kids their own drinks so you all could get the fuck out of my way.

I hate you both.

Can you feel the love? My dog died today. It’s turning out to be a pretty shitty year. I hope things turn around. — From “Skarr v.2 Forever Wounded”