Hey, Bag Thief!

Hey, you, Lava Room thief. Just because I left my bag at the Lava doesn’t mean that you can steal it. Sure, I was drunk, but you probably were, too. And, besides that, whatever happened to the drunk code of ethics? You know: (1) Don’t hit on your best friend’s girl, (2) always tip well and (3) never steal from someone who’s been drinking. What did you get? Bike tools and a hat? I go in there all the time, and if I ever see you wearing anything of mine, I swear to God, I’ll get it back. Oh, and if you’re curious about who I am, just look for the bike, motherfucker. If this makes you feel bad, just drop my stuff off at the bar. No questions asked, and no hard feelings.

Send anonymous confessions, congratulations or accusations to heyyou@pitch.com.