ONE MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE!!

Steve Johnson fought valiantly at my side during the toughest battles of the Spanish-American War. He lost his jaw during the charge of the Rough Riders at San Juan Hill. He was forced from then on to suck mush through a tube in his throat. That didn’t stop him from serving the city for 40 years on the Platte Valley Sanitation Board. Only his closest friends could understand his grunts and moans when he tried to talk. I proudly counted myself among them. It is hard to lose friends, and Steve will be dearly missed by almost all who knew him.

STIHL chain saws give the best job for chasing off shoplifters. They start with one pull and get the job done. If you would like to see them work, call Kevin, 218-6915.

Speed limits on a fast road is a recipe for disaster. Unrestricted driving gives the best job for business and leisure. The tiny little man who comes through my window at night told me speed limits cause prostate cancer. City Hall, give us drivers a break and get rid of the speed limits on 71 Highway so we don’t have to sit on doughnut-shaped cushions.

Big or small, our steelyard is the best place to bury anything you don’t want found. No questions asked. Call Tony, 561-6061.

Democrats look out for the little guy. Fat cats don’t need strong government because they can afford good Pella windows for the best job in insulation. There’s such a goddamn draft in here, I think my toes might fall off. Vote Democrat for good windows, siding and thick wool socks.

The Super Flea Child Enrichment Center gives the best job for education. Alphabet, numbers, value of a hard day’s work taught daily. Call Vic, 561-6061.

Light rail linking downtown to the airport can save the city’s economy. The little man who flies through my window at night is named Dicky. Dicky says light rail gives the best job for transporting souls to the afterworld. City Hall, wake up and build the light rail line Dicky told me about. He says we can pay for it with pine cones.

For your junk-hauling needs, call Dan, 561-6061. He has a flat-bed truck. He will need help lifting heavy items due to his missing arm.

Our sports teams are endangered by stoplights on a busy highway. City Hall, don’t let our Royals fly through the windshield. Even whiplash can sideline a pitcher for a whole season. No more stoplights on 71 Highway. There’s a squirrel in my hat!