Daily Briefs: Repent, scientists

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Gotta keep the devil way down in the

hole: If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time sitting in

your darkened kitchen drinking Taster’s Choice and listening to the

police scanner, and you smell so strongly of Aqua Velva that you can

see wavy blue-colored odor-lines wafting from your torso. And, thanks

to the police scanner, you know that life in parts of Kansas City is

terrifying and dangerous. Unfortunately for people who like numbers,

such as Nate Silver and Jimmy the Greek, that danger is also

mathematically unquantifiable, according to Yael T. Abouhalkah and the

Kansas City Police Department. In 2007, Kansas City was 18th on the

list of the nation’s most dangerous cities. NOT BAD! This year, the

Police Department was so bad about record keeping that they couldn’t

give accurate numbers to the FBI. Therefore, Kansas City didn’t make

this year’s list. Furthermore, while there are no numbers to back up my

contention that we live in the MOST DANGEROUS CITY IN THE WORLD, there

are no numbers for the police department to use to dispute that contention.

After the jump, where science has gone wrong. HINT: It’s not the

standard model of particle physics! Click here or on my creamy vanilla filling: