Daily Briefs: Could Abraham Lincoln have actually existed? Read the book!
%{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4c89121ca96b96217f” data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%
The Lincoln Protocol: The “historical puzzle mystery” genre was a short-lived multi-tentacled media shit-octopus, producing horrible media outputs in the fields of publishing, film and boring Flash-based puzzle games. Here’s a board game played by absolutely nobody I know or have ever met in my entire life. Or maybe Dan Brown played it once, to get ideas for his next shitty novel. I never read The Davinci Code, but lots of people did, and I seem to remember that those people were always commenting on the “mind-blowing puzzles” and saying things like, “It really makes you think,” which is the kind of thing you say when endogenous gases produced via digestive processes are expelled loudly out of your flapping butthole. Oh, sorry, that’s farting, I GET THEM CONFUSED. I also confuse farting with the catastrophically bad film version of The Davinci Code starring Tom Hanks as a humorless college professor who, in the first ten minutes, reveals that he’s horribly afraid of elevators. It’s good to front-load your film with the information that the hero is a gigantic pussy, so the audience can sit back and not enjoy the not-non-stop non-thrill ride.
Anyway, yesterday some real historians, presumably totally unafraid of elevators, revealed a pair of related discoveries about Abraham Lincoln that really make history come alive with “hidden messages” and indistinct, Bigfoot-like mystery photography. First, at the outset of the Civil War, Lincoln’s watchmaker engraved a secret message inside Lincoln’s pocket watch which, if decoded, could possibly lead to a race across the globe in search of the mummified penis of Charlemagne, or something. Second, a different set of historians have unearthed what they claim is proof of the existence of legendary stovepipe-hat-wearing President Abraham Lincoln, citing an indistinct blur in this old-timey photo of the White House:
Funny how he’s always photographed from a distance, while moving, during an earthquake, by a photographer with Parkinson’s disease. Show me some physical evidence, you guys. Produce a Lincoln skeleton, or go huddle in the Himalayas and wait for all the Yetis to come out and knock you off your tauntauns. There was going to be some stuff here about dust-covered antiquity Nicolas Cage and National Treasure, too, but I don’t know anything about those movies except that the trailers looked shitty.
Daily Briefs Apocalypse Death Market Outlook: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Republicanism, it’s that the Dow is the economy. Also that homosexuals aren’t really Americans, and they probably can’t prove they were actually born here, just like Kenyan national and outspoken Muslim Barack Obama. But the Dow is the economy, you guys. Sometimes the more-volatile NASDAQ is the economy, depending on the urgency of the political ends, like when Jim Baker wanted to end the Florida re-count in favor of Bush in 2000, and went around shouting about how all the uncertainty was affecting the market. So the last couple of days had to come as a gigantic relief to Republicans, since the Dow is continuing with its gains after it rebounded 379 points yesterday, completely reversing the socialist Muslim Obamanomic apocalypse. The economy is fixed! Retroactive big props to President George W. Bush for holding the line on blood-diamond-encrusted tax breaks for the palladium-plated Rockefellers and the Duke-of-Devonshire-Emerald-studded Hiltons and seeing us through these dark times. What ever happened to that guy? I guess with all of his important work done here, he’s shouldered his backpack and moved on down the road to fix the next prosperous, peaceful country he finds along the highway.
