Daily Briefs: Adorable photos and some other stuff.
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WEDNESDAY ADORABLE PICTURES OF THE DAY:
A little kid visiting the White House wanted to know if President Barack Obama’s haircut felt like his own. So Obama bent over and let the kid pat his head. SO ADORABLE! And this is absolutely going to slay my coworker Nadia. When she gets distracted by this photo and starts making the “precious cooing” noises she always makes over the President, I’m going to snatch her wallet out of her purse. When she gets to the end of this sentence, it’s already TOO LATE.
IT’S A BABY DAMN ELEPHANT! This baby damn elephant fucking owns you, motherfuckers. SO FUCKING CUTE. He was born in Antwerp on Sunday. Nadia wasn’t carrying any cash today, but I think I can sell her Social Security card.
Your Pocketbook and YOU, oh, haha, you carry a “pocketbook”: The Senate passed some new credit card legislation that protects consumers from, let’s say, themselves. I really don’t feel like going into the details today, unless those details are completely made up. Consumers were asking for all the abuse the banks administered and I don’t have any sympathy or, according to the DSM IV, feelings of empathy, remorse, or regard for the safety of others. I have a condition.
Basically, if you filled out the pre-approved application during the salad days when credit was cheap and delicious pork sandwiches hung heavy on the vine, and now you’re upset that your credit card company has made its due dates into a moving target, try to focus on the fact that you specifically asked for the interest-rate-based abuse they’re heaping on you and your bank account, and there is no “safeword” for this particular BDSM financial arrangement. ATTENTION LADIES: I’m debt free, plus I can palm a basketball, if you know what I’m saying (with my right hand, my left one is malformed and tiny, like a doll’s hand. But still).
