Daily Briefs: Coffee’s for closers only.
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“Meth lab” is no longer an acceptable punchline for a joke. So this federal grand jury has indicted 22 area residents for alleged involvement with the theft of $22 million of allergy medicine, an important chemical constituent for meth labs, the moonshine stills of the 21st century. The Roscoe P. Coltraines who made the arrests, probably by cutting off Coy and Vance Duke before they could reach the county line in their racist muscle car, were probably just trying to help Boss Hogg get the deed to the Duke family farm. Here is a picture of Coy and Vance Duke shirtless:
You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate: Some city council members are on-board with this whole awesome 1,000-room downtown hotel plan. Maybe they really love “staycations,” a douchetarded portmanteau generated by untalented travel writers to describe a phenomenon that sounds like it should be happening but actually isn’t. The Kansas City Convention & Visitors Association says Kansas City has lost $4 billions of dollars to rivals like Denver and bitch-ass Indianapolis by not having a hotel close to a convention center, which is a lot of money whether you look at it as 4,000,000,000 one-dollar bills, or just one big oversized novelty check for $4 billion. You could really walk around feeling like a big-shot with that thing. Anyway. I WONDER HOW KANSAS CITY WILL PAY FOR SUCH A HOTEL. That’s non-rhetorical, you guys, can you solve this mystery? The first person to respond with the correct answer, “tax-exempt bonds,” wins this beautiful collectible porcelain bisque figurine of the late G.G. Allin, a precious heirloom your family will treasure forever:
GET THEM TO SIGN ON THE LINE THAT IS DOTTED: The 2009 performance of the Actors Theatre is David Mamet’s Glengarry Glen Ross, so I’ll take this opportunity to reiterate that if someone mounted a production of this play starring talented 8-year-old children, and tickets to the performance cost $1,000 each, I would sell a whole lot of my stuff in order to attend opening night. My only stipulation is that the production has to use the revised 1992 version of the script produced for the film version, which added Alec Baldwin’s character Blake. In fact, if somebody could just videotape their 8-year-old kid performing that one scene and put it up on YouTube, I’d be happy:
