Daily Briefs: The deadly seriousness of April Fool’s Day.

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The first day of the rest of the month: Happy April Fool’s Day, or as we knew it in my family, The Father of Lies. I came from Christian snake handlers, and to them, pretty much everything was either “Satan” or “Sodom and Gomorrah.” That was the simple binary through which we lensed the whole world. I eventually lost my faith in both God and snake handling (for spiritual purposes), although I still have kind of a warm, fuzzy spot in my heart for rattlesnakes. But what’s bred in the bone is — uh — something-something… or whatever… uh. What I’m trying to say is that I still hate April Fool’s Day despite my loss of faith in rattlesnake bites as a signifier of God’s will. And if anybody tries to lie to me today about anything, they’re going to get a totally honest and straightforward punch in the dick. If I can figure out how to punch a newspaper in the dick, the spotted-dick-eating, powdered-wig-wearing H.M.S. The Guardian is going to get it first for this fake story combining April Foolery and jokes about technology. God, I hate this shit. It is going to be a long fucking day, you guys.

General Motors’ upcoming bankruptcy is not an April Fool’s Joke: To paraphrase Blake, Alec Baldwin’s satanic character from the first few minutes of Glengarry Glen Ross, “You can’t (sell the cars) you’re (building), you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out!” I would like to thank the Academy, my beautiful wife Katherine Heigl and my other beautiful wife Sarah Silverman, this is such an unbelievable honor.

Hey, in a horrible economic collapse, some enormous auto manufacturers who make horrible desicions is gotta win and some enormous auto manufacturers who make horrible decisions is gotta lose, and seriously, Chevrolet, the HHR? You actually built a knock-off of the fucking Chrysler PT Cruiser? There’s a really common misconception amongst a demographic cohort consisting of your mom and your grandma that PT Cruisers are “cool.” So here’s some simple math for any other automakers who might be paying attention this morning:

Do not create imitations of PT Cruisers, Toyota; we’re going to need at least one remaining major car manufacturer in the future if we have any last shred of hope to “unman” any vehicles in event of Holy Rapture.