Weekend Events, by a Guy Who’s Trying to Stop Saying “That’s What SHE Said!”

By CHRIS PACKHAM

Dude, Friday night check out the puppets at Puppet Wars: Attack of the Felt at Fatso’s (1016 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-550-7840). It’s like a powerhouse team-up of dudes from the Felt Show and the Shitty Deal Puppet Theater, stickin’ their hands up there and totally makin’ it talk … HA HA! That’s what … uh … that’s what I’m, uh, talking about. The show starts at 8 p.m.

At the VooDoo Lounge at Harrah’s Casino (1 Riverboat Drive, 816-472-7777), Queensrÿche is gonna rock the frickin’ house, blastin’ out hits like “Silent Lucidity,” “Take Hold of the Flame,” and “Gonna Get Close to You.” It might be out of style, but it’s an old-school, heavy-metal blast to the face — at least that’s what SHE — uh, yeah. Anyway. So that’s stuff to do on Friday.

Saturday, Armenian-Canadian soprano Isabel Bayrakdarian performs at the Folly Theater (300 West 12th Street, 816-842-5500). Not my thing, but my mom’s gonna be in town and I have to take her somewhere. She likes all that classical shit. When Bayrakdarian performed The Marriage of Figaro in San Diego, The Union Tribune said, “Soprano Isabel Bayrakdarian excelled as his beloved Susanna, bringing alluring expertise to the signature role that she had never before performed in San Diego.” And I figure if the show’s no good, I can just roll over and go to sleep … which is totally what SHE. .. ah — what SHE would hate. My mom. Would hate it if I did that.

My second-choice show for mom was Vonda Shepard at the Uptown Theater (3700 Broadway, 816-753-7643). It’s part of the Uptown Theater’s 80th Anniversary Celebration. She’s that chick who sang all that music on that lawyer TV show from back when I was in middle school, Ally McBeal. And at the end of every frickin’ episode, she’d play a sad song and Ally McBeal would walk home all sad and alone. My mom would cry every time. That show was huge, man! It was frickin’ mammoth. It was totally ridin’ up there on top — uh, oh, boy. I’m just gonna move on.

Dude, I can’t do any partying on Saturday while my mom’s in town, but check it out: I traded shifts on Monday, and there’s plenty of rock shows on Sunday night. Catch Meatflower, the Show Is the Rainbow, and Boo and Boo Too at the Record Bar (1020 Westport Road, 816-753-5207); and Rumblejetts and the Grand Marquis at the Uptown Theater (3700 Broadway, 816-753-8665). In Lawrence, there’s Kennedy Luck Club, the Noise FM and It’s All About the Benjamins at the Jackpot Music Hall (943 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-832-1085). I asked Sheila if she wanted to come out with me, and she was totally like, sure, whatever you want, I’m easy. HA HA! That’s what SHE said! No. I mean, verbatim. That’s a direct quote. She said, “Sure, whatever you want, I’m easy.” Quote, end-quote.