Need a Gift Idea? Ask Edward and Topper!

By CHARLES FERRUZZA

The holidays can be stressful enough without having to think of what to buy Aunt Millie for Christmas (she didn’t seem to care for the inflatable “hemorrhoid relief” pillow that you so thoughtfully purchased for her last year) or what to do if Cousin Marvin’s name comes up in the family gift exchange again this year – what does one give a registered sex offender?

Or let’s say the lovable “Tiny Tim” in your family insists on getting on of those “Gel Ant Farm” kits with the LED lighting this year, but you’re not sure it’s appropriate since his mother has a serious phobia about bugs. Or what about the “white elephant gift exchange” scheduled for this year’s office party? You don’t want to make the same disastrous mistake from last year, cleverly re-wrapping a fruitcake that certainly seemed fresh enough – who knew that it was stamped with a 1998 expiration date?

Have no fear, the very first Pitch Holiday Help Desk Department is here! After interviewing over a dozen candidates for the temporary position of overseeing the Pitch Holiday Help Desk Department – the job qualifications included a sense of taste, style, and a zeal for seeking out the very best in literature, fine arts, antiques, fine cuisine, classic cinema and precious stones – we settled on the top two candidates to work as a team. The first is Edward Barrington Collier II, yachtsman, philanthropist, award-winning playwright and author of The Finest Things in Life from Apricots to Zebra Skins. And Christopher “Topper” Tattinger is a local bon vivant and veteran party-giver. Both of these well-bred gentlemen, pictured above, will be happy to provide gift ideas to those who leave questions and comments accompanying this particular Plog.

Mr. Collier’s top three holiday gift ideas for Christmas 2007 include the festive Turd Twister, which creates exciting art forms out of pliable body waste. “It’s a divine stocking stuffer!” Collier said. His other choices include a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer tied with a shiny satin ribbon and several rolls of Charmin bath tissue decorated to look like a jolly snowman.

“Topper” Tattinger, who is still waiting to see if his application to the Kansas City Country Club was accepted, believes in stunning simplicity when it comes to the perfect holiday gift. “I’m happy with a carton of cigs, a bottle of Scotch and a gift certificate to Erotic City,” he said. “But if I’m giving a gift, I try to add a little extra something extra to set it apart from other gifts.” For example, Mr. Tattinger has been known to give his special friends decorative pill containers that he’s artfully crafted from crushed soda cans, twine and walnut shells. “And I always try to put a pill or two in the boxes,” Tattinger said. “It might be a laxative, it might be a Zoloft. Guessing what it is will be half the fun!”

These merry gentlemen look forward to answering all your holiday gift giving questions! “I may need to sober up a little to think straight,” added Mr. Collier, “but I’m chock full of ideas!”