Daily Briefs: WHOOPS! Sorry About Your Dog, the Flu, a Weird Story About Free Speech

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

• There’s a reason that animal control posts a “Safety First” sign that says “ANALYZE BEFORE YOU EUTHANIZE.” It’s the stock trader’s equivalent of “Buy High, Sell Low.” Or something. I don’t understand the stocks or the bonds. But I do recognize infuriating bureaucratic fuck-ups when I see them: Kansas City Animal Control euthanized a guy’s dog by mistake. And in a further regrettable inconvenience, its office hasn’t finished processing the paperwork required for issuing an apology.

• Turning now to the AccuFluenza Action Radar, the widespread flu outbreak in Kansas is moving into Missouri. I ride the bus, so it’s a pretty good bet that I’ll have the flu, tuberculosis and an antibiotic-resistant staph infection before the season is over. The National Bus Council reminds you to ride the bus three times daily! If I get the flu, I won’t be posting here. We should have called this feature “Daily (Unless Chris has the Flu) Briefs.”

• I didn’t even know the new Kansas City pedestrian recycling program was coming until this large box appeared near my bus stop. I assume Gloria Squitiro wrote about it on her LiveJournal at some point, but I totally missed it. The recycling program is in partnership with Prime Point Media, which will manage the ad sponsorships. The ads will provide revenue for paying city employees to remove all the trash people stuff into the recycling compartment.

• After Kansas City Star columnist E. Thomas McClanahan’s transparent attempt at retroactively distancing himself from Hillary Clinton’s pugnacious foreign policy in Iraq, I thought I’d seen everything. But I don’t even know where to begin with this story: Last year, UMKC sociology professor Peter Singelmann was sued by graduate student DeLana Sattarin. A student in Singelmann’s class asserted that free speech should be restricted, and according to the article, “In the discussion on free speech that followed, Singelmann said he was in agreement but the U.S. Constitution wasn’t, and he gave examples of protected speech. He repeated the ‘N’ word several times, as well as using a wide variety of vulgarities.”

Fortunately for him, the U.S. Constitution with which he disagrees was more tolerant of his hateful lesson plan than Singelmann himself. On January 17, Jackson County Circuit Court Judge John M. Torrence dismissed the lawsuit ,despite Singelmann’s explicit belief that his own hateful speech should be lawfully prohibited. In the article — as if to mock me — Singelmann is quoted as saying, “I totally disagree with the radical libertarian thinking when it comes to expression of free speech. There should be limits.” At the Ivy League junior college where I received my HVAC training, they didn’t have time to teach us about irony. So I am completely unqualified to unpack this story.

• It’s apparently cheaper on average to fly out of Kansas City than any other major airport in all the wide world. And people come in from all over the planet specifically for that reason. I plan to put all the money I’ll save on airfare into a bucket, which I will then flaunt as I walk up and down the street like a big-shot.

• Starbucks is dropping wi-fi provider T-Mobile and offering free wi-fi with AT&T — if by “free,” you mean, “Something you’ll probably have to pay for.” Well, what’s your definition, Webster? Whenever anybody comes along with a not-free “free” offer, it’s like you turn into William Safire or something.

Beginning in the spring, anyone who uses a prepaid Starbucks card can get two hours of free wi-fi service at Starbucks. AT&T Broadband or U-verse subscribers can use the service “free,” followed by a period, followed by “No, really. For free.” The rest of you — by which I mean the economic underclass toiling in the depths below the corporatist Metropolis, its wealthy overclass and its robotic gynoids — can pay $3.99 for two hours of use, which compares favorably with T-Mobile’s hysterically funny offering of $9.99 per hour.