Daily Briefs: No one has ever exclaimed, “That Pontiac Grand Am… SO BEAUTIFUL.”
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Some guys is gotta win and some guys isn’t. Welp, President Hussein Moqtada Al-Obama signs an economic stimulus bill into law today, after three weeks of negotiation with Congress and a struggle with Minority Republicans which people keep saying Obama lost. All the beltway pundits say Obama “has a lot to learn,” and Republicans like Sen. John McCain insist that Obama is “off to a bad start.” Politico ran an article on Sunday called “The 7 stimulus lessons for the Dems,” because after passing a package with a striking resemblance to the President’s original proposal, Congressional Dems need to do a bunch of reflection and soul-searching and whatnot. Here is a picture of soul-searching:
Here is a picture of being hungry for a corn-dog:
They’re extremely similar, like harmless garter snakes and the deadly black mamba viper whose neurotoxic and cardiotoxic venom causes death in seconds, so it’s helpful to know the difference.
Monkeys make the most adorable pets! And so do live minks. Sometimes life happens exactly the way you expect it to. Other times, life throws you a curveball with a 12-6 trajectory, brushing you back from the plate when you expected to drive a simple fastball into left field, and you cuss and dribble Skoal on your nice clean whites. What a bad habit!
For hundreds of years, monkeys have been the simple little pal of human beings. They wear little butler or bellhop uniforms and carry trays of unspillable food items like Jell-O. Occasionally, they enter the health spa and cause confusion for the arrogant fat man with the hot towel over his face who acts imperiously toward all the masseuses.
What would you expect from a chimp snatched from his natural environment, flown to a different hemisphere and forced to live in Stamford, Connecticut? To dress up like a little Gorton fisherman and live in a lighthouse, DUH. Instead, 15-year-old Travis the Chimp mauled a woman who had come to visit his owner, and had to be shot dead by police. I think that’s something we should all sit down and really think about.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, all the bailout money in the world will never make me want a Chevrolet Malibu: I mean, Christ, even actual GM executives drive Toyotas. Anyway, those Japanese-car-driving American auto execs are scrambling to justify the use of a $1.34 billion loan package provided by YOU, the U.S. taxpayer, your taxpaying children and probably also your taxpaying children’s taxpaying children. The grim legacy of the Chevrolet Cavalier will haunt America for generations to come, so to the horrible designers, indifferent executives and mismanaged focus-groups of General Motors, I say to you, this curse you have brought down on the heads of Americans will be repaid unto you ten-fold, hopefully in the form of violent, sharp-toothed monkeys. GOOD DAY, SIR.
