Daily Briefs: Terrorists, Abortionists and Atheists

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BY CHRIS PACKHAM

BOMBS OF TERROR: The tehrrists planted an improvised explosive device in an empty Times Square military recruiting station early this morning — I swear to Christ, they’re coming for you, so TOTALLY BE TERRIFIED VOTE JOHN MCBUSH IN 2008 FOR FOUR MORE YEARS!

Fun-hating Dave Ramsey would not have bought that entertainment district. Kansas City faces a “long-term structural budget problem” as expenditures outpace revenues. But if that’s the price of an arena for mounting rock-esque concerts on ice for tweens, I would totally pay it twice.

They’re like hard, flat 200-pound mosquitoes: Sure, I hate the steel plates on Kansas City streets. You hate them. It’s something we can all agree on, like “crooked lawyers,” “those crooked fat-cats in Washington,” and “those crooked al-Islamiya insurgents in Iraq.” But honest to L. Ron Hubbard, Fox 4 news writers, “Pesky?” Steel plates in the road are “pesky?“ God only knows why I bother, but I’ve helpfully assembled a junior high friendship collage of things that actually are “pesky”:

And what about those pesky abortionists? Baby-hating grand jurors who refused to indict Planned Parenthood are now calling for a review of the Kansas law that allows citizens to seek a grand jury. It turns out that people seeking a grand jury are not required to have evidence backing their allegations! That is so awesome I that I had to lay down on the floor for a few minutes after I read it. It’s like every citizen in Kansas has a magical superpower that they didn’t even know about. Until today. The question isn’t who I’d have investigated; the question is who I wouldn’t!

In a flailing attempt to resuscitate their defeated effort in Kansas, Operation Rescue is now auditioning potential plaintiffs for future jurisprudential spectacles. Girls should be abortion recipients under the age of 15. We’re thinking telegenic Dakota Fanning-types who made it to week 22 before getting suckered in by fast-talking big-city abortionists. Having never heard of Craigslist, Operation Rescue is resorting to e-mail solicitations:

Operation Rescue is seeking women who have had abortions at four abortion clinics in Kansas over the past five years.

We are looking for girls who had abortions at any age of gestation who were under the age of 15 at the time of their abortion.

[…]

If you had an abortion at one of these clinics over the past five years and meet the criteria listed above, we would love to speak with you. Your communications will remain confidential and your identity will be protected. For more information contact Cheryl at 316-516-3034 or e-mail her directly at cherylsullenger@juno.com.

Pesky atheist sues army: A boat-rocking atheist Army specialist has been allegedly denied promotion for failure to get on board with Staff Sergeant Jesus, the big non-commissioned officer in the sky WITH WHOM YOU DO NOT MESS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, PRIVATE? The Army totally doesn’t need cynical malcontents, so get with the program, Holden Caulfield.