Daily Briefs: Lady Robbers, Van Art, the Jokes of Comedy
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By CHRIS PACKHAM
Be alert, and wash your hands: I don’t want to turn this into the “Daily Briefs Crime Blotter,” but I’m friends with some ladies, so I want them to know they should stay out of the women’s room at the Granfalloon on the Plaza, where a 22-year-old woman was robbed at gunpoint — and not by a lady! Lady-robbers know that you have to go to where the ladies are. Places to avoid:
- Women’s rooms
- Joann Craft Stores
- The Lillith Fair
Vans Are My Canvas: Sgt. David Haldeman, the Olathe Police officer who hassled anti-abortion Truth Truck operator Ronald Brock, is on administrative leave pending an investigation. Brock’s awesome customized van was decorated with images of aborted fetuses and Jewish holocaust victims, so apparently the Olathe police force has like zero regard for the fields of medicine and history.
While I was reading the article, it occurred to me that an excellent art project would be to airbrush a series of vans with the entire cycle of human reproduction, from conception to abortion — documenting the whole human experience, in van form! The precious circle of life would begin with a daiquiri van, obvs.:
We’ll just see where it goes from there — maybe to the “I swear I didn’t touch your drink” van, followed by the “back to my place” van.
The high cost of trans-fats: As food costs rise, restaurants are reducing portion sizes. Tip from the corporate kitchens at Taco Bell: Mixing pulverized cardboard with meat provides bulk fiber, and with the right seasoning, nobody will ever know.
The IFC laughs at the weirdest times: The IFC compiled a list of “The 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of All Time,” which winds up insulting both comedy and lists. Yes, the No. 1 sketch is Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot,” a ranking predicted by Nostradamus over 500 years ago, and that one is perfectly fine. The biggest insult? The No. 2 ranked sketch is “Who’s On First.” So — according to the IFC — if “Dead Parrot” didn’t exist, then the best comedy sketch of all time would have been the unfunniest fucking five minutes in human history:
Holy Christ, I just clicked on the video to see if I was being too harsh, and made it about 30 seconds before something tiny and precious died inside my soul. Deepening the unfunniness, somebody named Ada Calhoun at the IFC provides an astonishing 200 words of explanation about why you should think “Who’s On First” is funny.
