URGENT: POWER ON FOR GARTH

Tomorrow night’s ninth episode of the Garth Brooks Down Home Country Jamboree will be broadcast live from the Sprint Center to 300 movie theaters around the country for the benefit of people who are into watching concerts by proxy in movie theaters. Ordinarily, we’d make fun of this kind of person by resorting to a crude stereotype, but literally nobody we’ve ever met or heard about would ever pay money to watch a projected concert on a movie screen. It’s something that lies at the edge of imagination, like some kind of H.P. Lovecraft Color Out of Space deal.

Reportedly, the broadcast will include sweeping, David Lean-style shots of the Kansas City skyline, shot a night early from a helicopter, and Mayor Funkhouser is urging area residents and businesses to leave their lights on all night. In other words, Funkhouser is so concerned about impressing a slender demographic that would actually consider paying money to watch a movie theater’s simulcast of a puffy country musician that he’s disregarding the desperate warnings of climatologists.

For Dane Cook’s appearance on November 25, perhaps the mayor’s office could urge all area residents to start their car engines, close their garage doors and wait for blissful sleep. JUST A JOKE. The Mayor’s office actively discourages all forms of suicide and also cutting behavior. Into every life a little Dane Cook must fall, and, like a lengthy series of concerts by Garth Brooks, he, too, will eventually pass.

After the jump, the extremely weird press release from the Mayor’s office: