Daily Briefs: Be Terrified For Your Kids; Funkhouser’s Ambitions; Obama — Now Even Blacker!
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BY CHRIS PACKHAM
Very important man aspires to very important job: Giant, shambling Mayor Mark Funkhouser wants to be a superdelegate at the Democratic convention in August.
Your children may already be dead! The Kansas City, Missouri school district is closing three school cafeteria kitchens after a health inspection. If three area Quiznos restaurants were shut down on the same day, you’d probably never eat there again — but you totally know you’re going to send your kid back to school! Here are some other reasons to be completely blasé about the health and safety of your kids:
• Butler High School athletic director Mitch Warmbrodt was allegedly running a meth lab. After he was arrested for acquiring more than 9 grams of ephedrine, police reportedly found a concealed meth lab on his property. HAHA, your gym teacher has meth-mouth! Allegedly.
“Drop and give me theven thit-upth! You kidth quit thcrewing around! Theriothly! I want thix more lapth around the thchool!”
• Finally, are your kids receiving filthy text messages from their teachers? A teacher at Shawnee Mission North High School, who is on paid leave pending an investigation, has been accused by the parents of a 17-year-old girl of sending inappropriate text messages. Honestly — do kids really need to go to school? In the apartment building I used to live in, there was a dirty-faced kid who would wander around the hallway in a diaper while holding an empty cereal bowl all day long. I like to think her parents were “protecting” her from day care. Anyway, the training manuals at fast-food restaurants consist of large pictures with no text whatsoever, and really, if the school cafeteria food doesn’t kill your children, predatory meth-smoking teachers might be sending them dirty naked camera phone pictures. This has been a public service announcement from The Pitch.
Vote Hillary in 1958! The Clinton campaign is using some kind of “blackening” Photoshop filter, whereby images of Barack Obama in their attack ads are desaturated, darkened and then slightly widened along the X-axis to make Obama’s nose wider. Or maybe they’re not! According to the never-not-annoying Nicholas Kristof at the New York Times, the truth falls somewhere in the middle, which I can agree with if, once arriving at the “middle,” you’re greeted with a big sign that says “The Clinton Campaign Doctored Photos of Obama to Make Him Blacker.” You can see for yourself:
It should go over really well for Clinton in the Appalachian states, no doubt about it. And racially coding your message is totally OK for the Clinton campaign, because according to Saturday Night Live — which is suddenly all “political” after, like, seven fucking years of nothing but Tina Fey-written parodies of The View — criticizing Hillary Clinton is sexist and wrong. Deploying similar tactics — for instance, making Hillary Clinton look whiter by Photoshopping her into a Yes, Dear cast photo — would be completely out of line.
