Giving the dog a bone

I’m not sure if Neuticles has Bob Barker’s blessing, but the Kansas City company makes testicular implants for neutered pets. See, your ball-less dog may be suffering from “post-neutering trauma” and feeling “emasculated.” That’s what Neuticles’ founder and president, Gregg Miller, told me this afternoon.

“You have to be a pet owner to appreciate Neuticles,” Miller said. “If you’re not, it’s the stupidest thing in the world.”

Pitch freelancer Emily Farris brought Neuticles to my attention. They’re supposed to help restore the pet’s “identity and self esteem,” Miller said. The implant maker’s Web site says the fake balls “replicate the pet’s

testicles in size, shape, weight and feel.”

Feel? This is apparently really important to Miller’s customers. He said they demand “attention to detail,” and he’s

developed four different types of Neuticles “based on consumer demand.” A pair of balls for PJ the Dog could cost you as much as $1,299 or as cheap as $139.

“We feel the removal of a God given body part — leaving a male pet

looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only

unethical but unnatural,” Neuticles Web site says. “With Neuticles it’s

like nothing ever changed.”

Who could argue with such moral conviction?

Miller has been in the prosthetic testicle business for 14 years. It

all started when his bloodhound Buck ran off to find love in the wrong

field. Buck had found him a dog in heat. Miller knew he had to get Buck

neutered. But when he asked his dog’s vet about implants, his doctor

told him that’s “the craziest damn thing I’ve heard of.” But the idea

became a business opportunity for Miller.

Miller said he’s sold 260,000 pairs, and the sour economy hasn’t hurt his business. Sales have been

higher than they were five or six years ago, Miller said. His Internet

presence and international sales have helped.

Miller knows this sounds strange but he says providing testicular

implants for pets helps encourage people who wouldn’t neuter their pets

to do it. It helps reduce the pet population, and dogs live longer,

happier lives.

“This is a good thing,” he said. “It’s not a silly, stupid thing.”