Dayley Breifs: Anoying the copy editer edition

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BULLET POINT: While you were distracted watching President Obama give a diversionary interview on Jay Leno’s Pre-taped Retirement Community Entertainment Program for Olds, he was SECRETLY recording a Muslim message of hope and brotherhood to the Satanic people of Iran, offering a “new day” of bowing to Mecca and forging Hawaiian birth certificates for socialist/Islamic Manchurian candidates. Three months ago, I would have said that whole thing was so obviously sarcastic that I could just walk away at this point, swallow a fistful of Hydroxycut powder, do my 100 sets of biceps curls and settle in for a long afternoon of exchanging trouble-making IMs with internet vigilantes pretending to be 13-year-old girls, just like every other normal Friday. But lately, there have been some really confused people in the comments. Examples here and here. Seriously, you guys, you’d think people come to news blogs for “real news,” instead of totally insincere meta-ironic snottiness for douchebag hipsters wearing skinny jeans and Hot Pink Delorean T-shirts while listening to Röyksopp. Which I understand describes everyone who works at The Pitch, TOTALLY NEWS TO ME.

BULLET POINT ROMAN NUMERAL TWO: Did you think Kansas City totally had enough TIF debt? What a coincidence, neither does the City Council and neither does diminutive little Mayor Mike Funkheimer. So! They approved extending a 1999 TIF plan so a private developer could renovate the Savoy Hotel downtown. All of which basically feeds into Kansas City’s self-delusional pretense that it’s a tourist destination, like the Sandals Montego or some damn thing. I’m trying to imagine any circumstance other than, “Well, it’s that time of year, kids, let’s go visit Nana,” which would lead somebody in East Orange, New Jersey to climb in the car and drive to Kansas City on purpose. And I’m experiencing a total failure of imagination, seriously, Kansas City is a great town to live in, but I wouldn’t want to visit here. Also, Fünkenmeister had been threatening to veto the whole thing, because of “principles,” but ultimately, y’know, whatever the developers want. We are the BEST at Mayor-Picking, and our Mayor-Picking team is probably going to the Mayor-Picking playoffs this year, GO WILDCATS!!!!!

BULLET POINT THREE: TOKYO DRIFT: More goddamn babies were born in 2007 than any other year in the whole of human history. For some reason, the field of baby statistics is only just now getting around to reporting that head-count two years later. In a segment they might as well have entitled “WHORES,” Fox 4 says that 40 percent of those babies were born to UNMARRIED WOMEN who were forced to move to a different town for nine months, returning home with their “orphaned nephews,” whom they had decided to “raise as their own.” Oh, haha, no, that’s how they had to do it back when your mom got pregnant. These days, people are a whole lot more cavalier with their wombs, admitting any old DNA that comes along through a ruptured Trojan or whatever. C’mon, get “hep”, old man, all the kids have their own 2007 model-year toddlers these days, Jesus, it’s like you’ve never put your little man in a lady’s hoo-ha. Or — to put it in octopus terms — poked a female with your long, flexible hectocotylus arm before slipping it into her mantle cavity. Oh god, that is so sexy when you say it that way. There’s apparently more to the story, but you have to watch the video to find out about it, which, no thanks, I have eight more sets on the incline leg press or my quadriceps are never going to max out.