Daily Briefs: Influenza; We’re All Going to Die; Death From Above
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BY CHRIS PACKHAM
We’re All Going to Die! Part I Influenza A-H3N2 defeats the communal spirit of brotherhood: St. Thomas More Catholic Church has banned handshaking at church services to keep from spreading the virus. Avoid making eye contact as well because any fellow parishioners infected with the rage virus may be prone to ripping out your throat with their teeth. Personally, I’m so terrified of the flu that I’ve been openly praying to Satan, Lord Xenu and the clearly satanic security guard at City Center Square who kicked me out of the food court for standing in line with my bicycle, which I couldn’t lock up outside because I had forgotten my bike lock. I’m telling you — that supernatural level of douchiness cannot be explained by “evolution.” PROTECT ME FROM THE FLU VIRUS, O Douchey One!
TIF debt is a stepping stone. Kay Barnes is officially running for the 6th District congressional seat held by Republican Sam Graves.
We’re All Going to Die! Part II Climate scientist James Lovelock believes global warming is now irreversible. He laughs at your recycling bin and your Toyota Prius. Alternative energy sources are a titanic waste of time and resources. We’ve got about 20 years before mainland Europe is a desert and millions of people begin dying of starvation, thirst and disease. Our only hope may lie in appeals to the divine — for instance, selling our souls to the douchey, fireplug-shaped security troll at City Center Square. Not that I’m trying to push my religion on anyone.
Hard-rocking balls: Brian Foree, the music teacher arrested for allegedly texting photos of his balls to an underage student, has set his MySpace profile to Private. However, he plays guitar in an awesome band called Fever Dog, which has a public profile. Here’s a picture of Foree, at left, posing for a camera-phone photo with bandmate Kyle Wallen. (Not pictured: Balls.)
WHOO! FEVER DOG!
HAHA Aquila is one step closer to knocking down a brand-new $140 million power plant in Cass County.
We’re All Going to Die! Part III So I was thumbing through my issue of Cosmos magazine — no, not Cosmo, dick. I said COSMOS. It’s about astronomy! Hello? So anyway, I’m reading this very scientific article in Cosmos called “Ten Tips For Surviving Your Period” — HAHAHAHA! And then my tuxedo shirt rolls up like a window shade.
Anyway, according to Cosmos, a rotating binary star system in the constellation Sagittarius is on the verge of exploding, sending out a beam of high-energy gamma rays that could sterilize the planet. But the awesome part is that it’s almost perfectly angled, pointing at Earth like the barrel of a gun. I’m far from evangelical, but we should all join hands and pray: I proclaim the flabby security guard as my one and only god. I promise to recognize and honor him in all things, desiring in return his douchey protection from stellar ejecta. Amen.
