Daily Briefs: We are one people, y’all

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

It’s a historic day, you guys, I will totally frame my November 5th issue of the Northeast News, the useless, unwanted newspaper thrown at my yard by meth-heads from the broken-out window of a 1978 Ford Pinto wagon amidst a cloud of withering black auto exhaust while simultaneously huffing gasoline from a mayonnaise jar and slapping at a filthy toddler in the back seat. If you’re not receiving your issues of The Northeast News, it’s available for free on top of the cigarette machine down at the pizza place, right next to the Auto Trader. Seriously, I will treasure this badly-written, completely useless trash forever:

SCARES IN SCARRITT, you guys, kids totally went trick-or-treating on Halloween, EXTRY, EXTRY! Also, on this date, November 5th, 2008, Barack Obama is your new President. After the jump, more stuff about the election, plus an open letter to the future. Click here or here: