Daily Briefs: Plasticized Carcasses; Narcissism; Naked Ladies With Guns
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BY CHRIS PACKHAM
“Hey… you wanna see a dead body?” Union Station is on the path to financial redemption with the Corpses Revealed exhibit that everyone loves so much. Mike Hendricks asserts that there “isn’t all that much to do sometimes” in Kansas City, and that the exhibit will therefore make a lot of money. And I’m like, “Not all that much to do sometimes? NOT ALL THAT MUCH TO DO SOMETIMES?” There’s plenty of stuff to do sometimes in Kansas City, but I guess Hendricks hasn’t been reading a little thing I like to call his own damn newspaper.
If it wasn’t for America’s Sparkle Sweetheart, Jeneé Osterheldt, I don’t think I could even live in this town. Personally, I’d rather spend less time admiring dust-gathering plasticized corpses and more time losing weight on the dance floor, watching Girlfriends on BET or shopping for panties on 18th Street. But that’s just me.
Think of it as three billion opportunities! Kansas City needs a new sewage system. Three billion dollars is a lot of money. Carpet-bagger plasticized corpse exhibits won’t even begin to cover a tab that big. And don’t look to the federal government for your free sewage bail-out money, because the President’s budget slashes funding for clean water initiatives. It helps if you break the problem down into digestible chunks: Instead of coming up with an overwhelming $3 billion, try coming up with one billion three times. You can check my math, here, but I think those numbers are good. Another method the city is exploring is spreading three billion across 25 years of increased water rates, much to Yael T. Abouhalkah’s high, hard and inside chagrin. But that’s exactly how I’m paying for my living room furniture! Thanks to Rent-A-Center, in 2021, I’ll have a free and clear title on my recliner and sofa set.
Don’t we have a perfectly good planetarium? A Kansas City man has declared war on light pollution.
The Pitch Consumer Tips Hotline: An extremely unprofessional stripper hired via a Craigslist advertisement showed up at a house party in suburban St. Louis with two male accomplices and robbed the residents at gunpoint. Remember: Always use an American Express card to pay for your strippers so you can reverse the charge if they rob you or remain clothed, and report unsatisfactory lapdances to the Better Business Bureau.
Death From Above! About one year ago, Chemcentral Midwest Corp. in North Kansas City exploded, belching tons of chemicals into the sky. Now the company has to pay a $470,000 fine.
Don’t allow children to read. Dan Zak of the Washington Post says Americans are “entitled brats.” He backs up his assertion not with academic citations, but with references to reality television.
This is just stupid. Of course Americans are becoming more narcissistic — when you spend 12 years shoving an Objectivist-based curriculum of pulpy Ayn Rand novels and Alan Greenspan economics studies down kids’ throats, don’t come bitching to me when they develop a heightened sense of “rational self-interest” and a belief laissez-faire capitalism. You made your Howard Roarke-designed race car bed; now you have to rape Dominique Keating in it.
