Midtown swank: The Pitch Music Awards 2011

The usual crowd — country punks, earnest rappers, midtown scenesters and hangers-on — descended upon the Uptown Theater Sunday night for The Pitch Music Awards. Nominated acts, friends of nominated acts, and high-net-worth individuals such as myself gathered in the adjacent Conspiracy Room prior to the ceremony for a glorious two-hour open bar. People stood around talking and holding paper plates with different flavors of cubed cheese on them. The bartenders hustled. They poured the wine all the way to the top of our clear plastic cups. “Actually, can you make that five Pale Ales?” I asked.

Who wore what? I donned a pair of faded navy slacks; keen observers have scornfully noted that I sometimes wear them all five days of the workweek. But most everybody else was dressed to some version of “the nines.” Some of the guys in Minden wore short khaki shorts, dress shoes, and formal vests with no shirts underneath. Minden did not win Best Emerging Act, and as the last of us were filing out after the ceremony, drummer Ryan Johnson flipped over some tables in what I presume was mock anger. The police officers who escorted him off the premises apparently elected not to arrest him, which is good because I don’t imagine he would have fared very well in that outfit down in the pen.

Host Eric “Mean” Melin wore a sport coat with a T-shirt underneath. Halfway through the show, he bounced onto the stage in tight white pants and a black tanktop to perform the routine that has made him the semiofficial air-guitar king of Kansas City. Following him was Peter “Stiff” Dickens — a sort of Andy Kaufman of air guitar — who played two notes and then spent two minutes breathlessly accepting the fake applause that played over the PA. He flung flowers into the crowd. Somebody brought him a fake baby, which he cradled, then flung into the crowd. He had ridiculous bleached-blond Sammy Hagar hair, which I discovered backstage to be a wig.

Tech N9ne wore glasses with hypnotic spirals on the lenses; he was beamed in and projected onto the video screen to announce the nominated hip-hop acts. The Latenight Callers — who, along with Stik Figa and the ACBs, treated us to short sets of locally made jams — wore their usual elegant, noir-inspired costumes.

You know the rest. The best acts didn’t always win, but many did. Some acts accepted their awards with good humor and dignity. Others made loud, terrible jokes that nobody found cute. A couple of times, Melin had to gently nudge obnoxious winners (or losers) off the stage. But that’s all part of the draw. You cram tons of local music people into the same room, get them all liquored up, and then sit back and see who’s actually cool and who’s just a big dork with tattoos and an H&M card. Throw in some live music, and that’s my kind of night.

The Pitch Music Award Winners 2011

Americana
The Grisly Hand

Bluegrass/Country
Outlaw Jim and the Whiskey Benders

Blues
Grand Marquis

DJ
Sheppa of Nomathmatics

Electronic
Motorboater

Emerging Act
The Latenight Callers

Experimental/Ambient
Karma Vision

Hip-Hop
Stik Figa

Indie Rock
Thee Water MoccaSins

Jazz Ensemble
Hearts of Darkness

Jazz Solo Artist
Mark Lowrey

Metal/Hard Rock
Hammerlord

Pop
Cowboy Indian Bear

Punk
Mouthbreathers

Reggae
The New Riddim

Rock
Rooftop Vigilantes

Rockabilly
The Rumblejetts

Singer-Songwriter
Sara Swenson